I (don't) think I can.... what the train was thinking

It seems to me that the only thing I can say is that "I will do it" or "I will keep trying" or even "I won't give up".... not that anyone asks me really.  What I really want to say is that "I don't want to do it"  and "Why should I?"   Why am I expected to keep it all together?  I don't think I can or want to.  I am not cool with my life right now.  It all seems far to hard and too little worthwhile.  I don't feel that there is anything in this all for me.  My marriage is all about my husband and making and keeping him happy..... I have to filter EVERYTHING for him.... all our relationships with other people and everything we do.  I don't ever get to say "I want this" or "I want to do this" without first very seriously weighing the consequences of how he will react.  Usually it is just not worth it to deal with his reaction.  I have missed out on weekends away with the girls, parties and study sessions because his well being has become more important to me than my own.  Ugh, how pathetic.  I am busting my ass to go to school in the midst of all this.... for what?  So I can work 12 hour shifts at the hospital while trying to raise a son, keep a husband happy and keep house?   This isn't why I wanted to become a nurse.   I wanted to travel, to do missions, to participate in something larger than myself, something global and important.  We could travel.  His career is very movable and potentially lucrative too, but he wants to settle and be stable..... even though he would only complain that we don't travel or that life is stagnant.  I can't even talk about these things with him.... he is unable to think beyond the boundaries of his own skin to discuss things conceptually or in the hypothetical.  I have things to say, I have ideas, I am clever and funny and insightful and I can be quite sharp.  Other people find me very intelligent and look to me for knowledge.   I have even been called wise by quite a few people.  I don't want to boast or build up my own pride, but the humility I am forced to assume is choking me.  I know things that he doesn't know!  I have expertise that he does not have!  I do not need or deserve to be patronized or forced to submit because he can't handle a strong wife.   Sigh, unfortunately, this isn't about him.  I have allowed this.  I have created too small a box for myself to reside within.  I had a vision of what a happy life would look like and I thought that following him would lead me to it.  I realize, late, that following Him (catch the capital?) only will lead me to happiness.  I cannot expect my husband to possess the qualities that I desire to have within myself, that have their source in God.  It isn't fair and only sets him up for failure.  If I want happiness I have to stop expecting my husband to provide it for me; instead I need to seek it out from God, manifest in me.  I guess it's true, I can't do it and I don't want to either, but He can and He can take me by the hand to give me rest and a renewed desire for my own life.

September....

This has been a full month.  It's only the 16th.  Shit.  School started with a big zit which made me smile and feel like at least something was familiar.   I am already starting to lag behind and fail at everything... laundry's not caught up, baby hasn't had a bath in a couple of days, homework is coming due and isn't done, my garden hasn't been weeded in weeks (gasp!) and now, as well as suffering my own sense of self disgust and disappointment, I begin to feel the mystery of marriage.... someone else knows me and my habits well enough to be duly disappointed in me as well!  This is probably the worst part of marriage, the one person you really want to be impressed by you knows you well enough to be frustrated and disappointed by you.  ok... getting repetative and mundane, must sleep now